I think I forget that actually I’m not the only one this happened to.
More importantly that I’m not the only person impacted by it. And that actually, 1 person was impacted by it most of all; S.
He doesn’t know I lost his sibling. He didn’t know I was pregnant, and we felt he wouldn’t understand and couldn’t cope with knowing about this.
Yet it’s had such a huge huge impact on his life.
The day we found out there was no Baby I had been at my casual job for my last shift there.
I was so excited about finishing. I drive into work excited to be getting there and then back to my mummy-S bubble.
I remember thinking we’d get home and have a nice chilled afternoon watching some tv, a snuggle. I wasn’t feeling sick that day; I’d been feeling better all week actually, the 12 week Scan was in a week (single figures! I was so excited to get there. To have the ball of anxiety lifted), we’d go to our regular playgroup the following morning, we’d have a nice weekend, celebrate Daddy bring about to finish his course, the following weekend we’d tell all our friends about the big news. I’d buy those big brother books and that tshirt I’d been eyeing up-had even put in my Amazon basket-and we’d start doing things again. Just us 2 having fun.
None of that happened.
Instead of me picking him up, I had to get his daddy to ring and say I’d be late as we had to go to the hospital.
Then we had the news, and just came home. His daddy went to get him after a harrowing phone call to his parents to explain.
I don’t even remember if I said hello properly to him when he got home. I didn’t want him seeing mummy sad, crying, I think I picked him up and just held him-much to his discomfort.
The next day we traipsed off to the zoo for the day in an effort to distract ourselves. It didn’t work for me, I remember feeling disjointed and like I wasn’t really there. I remember S liking the sea lions but to be honest I think his grandparents kept him busy, which he was more than happy with.
My parents came the following day, again they distracted him and kept him entertained.
His daddy took him away the next day for the morning so I had time to howl alone. Which I don’t think I did… I remember the bleeding became a little heavier that morning, speaking to my mum and being upset but other than that not a lot. When they got home I was in pain and I remember watching tv with S next to me but not being able to pay attention to him; the pain was getting worse and I could feel the bleeding getting heavier. My husband cane and sat with him while I went upstairs where I stayed on the toilet for an hour. Then the pain became unbearable so we got in the car to go the hospital. We dropped S off at his grandparents on the way; I didn’t even say goodbye as I was in too much pain to speak.
I was in hospital for nearly 3 days after this. I face timed with my husband and S to try to at least ensure he saw me but my poor boy had no mummy contact for nearly 3 days, by far the longest time we’ve been apart.
Then I came out a broken mummy; grief stricken, recovering from surgery, trying to get things back to normal for S yet not being able to.
I dragged him off to visit family he hardly knew for 3 days a couple of weeks later. He was a star, settled well up there and loved every second, but now I think that can’t have been good for him.
We had a really busy summer with going away on holiday for a week and visiting several friends around the country; again not great fir a nearly 3 year old who’s parents experienced a life changing event, who had an extended and I imagine traumatic for him separation from his mummy and clearly will have senses the upset.
And then I made the decision to go to work full time
He goes to nursery 3 days and spends 2 with his grandparents.
I pick him up around 4.
I drop him off around 7:30am.
My heart breaks.
And now I don’t know if this is the right thing.
But we were doing nothing once the summer was over.
No groups. No exploring new places.
Because… there might have been babies. Pregnant ladies. With bumps the size mine should have been. Because I couldn’t cope with it; my anxiety levels had steadily risen since the miscarriage and the thought of seeing someone I sort of knew and having them ask me about having another was enough to send me into spirals.
I did take him on the train though. One last big trip before potty training began, an adventure on the train, to a big city.
Which actually has turned out to be our last big adventure.
I think he’s adapted to the new routine; I think it’s good for him.
But if the miscarriage hadn’t happened, none of this would.
So really it’s had by the biggest impact on S.
And I’m sorry my darling. I love you xxxx